How to Mix Your Drinks

As every barman will testify, there is an art to mixing drinks. Mixing sweet and sour can create balance, whereas adding a sharp note to a smooth drink can add character. It is perfectly possible to create a cocktail that tastes like it is nonalcoholic; sure, it'll hit you eventually but you'll have ordered another one by then. The one thing no barman wants to create is a cocktail that makes people sick.

So why do some people think it a really good idea to drink vodka and beer, or a bottle of wine laced with a dash of whiskey? Chartreuse and lager, anyone? Just make sure you know directions to the nearest lavatory.

So why do people insist on mixing drinks that they would never order? I know, you're at a party and the wine is disappearing as if a juggernaut needed refuelling, suddenly a bottle of whiskey appears - that's got alcohol in it, so will do. Gin would have been a good idea with tonic a few hours ago but at midnight is about to explode onto the scene. At the fag-end of the night the only things keeping the fridge gainfully employed are bottles of cheap beer. They too have alcohol inside them.

Many years ago I had a nice job running a student bar. Every term we would blow the profits on some extravagant celebration, one of which was a cocktail night. It would have been far too easy and boring to just read up on the standard cocktails. I mean, a Russian Black sounds exotic but struck me as a good way to waste both vodka and coke at the same time. Being a scientist this called for experimentation! In this case I had willing lab assistants.

Metiers such as winemaster, chocolatier or perfumer require refined senses; a master barman needs the same acute sense of taste and a strong stomach. Sure, we got sick, but the path to perfection is strewn with landmines. We discovered some disgusting concoctions which our perverse customers would probably have enjoyed... but we took pity on our cleaning staff and decided against them.

One particularly toxic brew gained a certain notoriety: Snakebite is a mixture of beer and cider in equal measures. Stir it a bit and within a minute or so a strange alchemy takes place in which your drink has turned into alcoholic wallpaper glue. It gets you drunk quickly, often with a collateral headache, and more likely than not it will try to exit your stomach by the shortest route. The fad died as quickly as it had arrived, but the point here is that we could witness in vitro what often happens out of sight in our stomachs.

There is an old adage of not mixing 'grain and grape', so that in one camp are the grain spirits such as whiskey and vodka and beer whilst in the other camp are wine, port, sherry and brandy. There are also a batch of drinks such as rum and fruit liqueurs that don't quite fit into this scheme, so much so that many think the advice itself is complete rot; alcohol is alcohol, largely ethanol, so what difference does it make whether it is fermented barley, malt, grape or potato? The problem is not so much the ethanol but all the other ingredients that make up a complex drink, especially beer and wine.

I won't drink beer and wine in the same sitting - they make me feel sick, so why bother? Other people may disagree, but that's up to them and their body. One thing few people consider is that they may have an allergy or intolerance to some of the constituent chemicals in their drink. Allergies are well known for things such as gluten and yeast but they also exist for sulphites and other chemicals. It is also possible to be allergic to alcohol itself. This is due to a genetic flaw that leads to a deficiency in the enzyme needed to break down alcohol into acetic acid. It is also most likely that your body has had enough punishment and is just telling your brain to stop drinking.

I've done the experiments; I know what to drink and what I can mix. Being mildly intoxicated can be amusing but being blind drunk and leaning over a toilet seat is not the most edifying sight. We've all done the experiments, we all know the results for us personally - it's just a matter of remembering them when you're offered that chaser. You could also try a glass of Snakebite.

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